Mercury is in Gatorade again, that fucker, and you may scoff, but it’s doing my head in – especially with Moonchild being all “poke poke poke” in my tender places. My mama heart is a fucking disaster over some stuff that my kids are going through – three in crisis all at the same time – and I’ve been worried about a friend for a while now because they just kinda disappeared but we have been estranged for a decade so I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out until it became UNTENABLE to my nervous system not to. That was a trip that my nervous system did not thank me for, let me tell you, but it had to be done.
ANYWAY despite all of that, I kept a dinner date with a new friend yesterday. If you know me at all you know that this is a miracle because generally, if I’m even a tiny bit activated, I do not do social. I really wanted to, though, and Renee sat with me on Zoom for the hour before her arrival so I could ignore the rising panic, which worked beautifully.
This new friend has been floating around my periphery because we were introduced on the socials by a mutual friend. See, we both have adult kids with psychosis and when my life exploded in 2020 and I was taking refuge in a friend’s basement (because we had reached the “You are not my real mom, you are the robot mom and I think you poisoned the soup” chapter in our psychosis story so I got the fuck out of dodge), we were put in touch so she could help me figure out housing. I worked it all out in the end, and we remained FB friends, but no further contact was explored. Prolly because my life was a dumpster fire for a good long 2 years there and I had no bandwidth for anything other than liking and love hearting socials posts.
Anyway, she bought a painting of mine and since she doesn’t live but a hop skip and a jump away (in another city, but close enough for a day trip), she decided to save us both the postage, and shipping and handling, and use the occasion to finally get together in person.
It was instant friendship, y’all. We start yakking and I swear we did not stop the entire time. I adore her, and I’m soooo grateful I didn’t let my traumatized ass flake out like I usually do because at one point we were going over all the things, as moms who have this particular thing in common do, and she took my hand and gazed into my eyes and asked: “Who is supporting you with all this?”
So, listen. Here’s the deal. I am super grateful that I have people I *can* reach out to, and I rattled off the list and assured her I’m looked after, but…
I have to admit that I let myself get terribly whelmed before I reach out. I do tend to isolate when life is hard and I do tend to wait until it’s a FUCKING EMERGENCY before I let slip that I’m not doing so hot (often because I’m too numbed out to notice) and this new friend really brought that home to me by asking that question.
Yesterday I caught myself feeling whelmed, so I reached out. And today, I did more of the same. And while I still can’t shake the “MY LIFE IS SO FULL OF DRAMA AND I AM A BURDEN TO MY FRIENDS” thing that goes on in my brainmeats on the regular, I shook my fist at it, called it a lying liar, and got myself some eyes on and gentle witnessing despite it.
Anyway, the aforementioned disappeared friend popped up, so I can stop shitting myself with worry. We solved one of the kid crises by throwing money at it and helped to mitigate the potentially traumatic nature of the other two crises by being present, lending an ear, sharing relevant memes and TikToks and running around Azeroth killing things for a while while we listened to my 2022 playlist on Spotify.
Trauma isn’t what happened to you, you know. It’s whether or not you were left to handle it alone and without support and I do not let my kids handle things alone and without support if I can help it. (P.S. Fuck you, mom) I love that about me, and today everyone is doing okay, and so today is a better day despite the gatorade shenanigans and Moonchild pulling at all our heartstrings.
*Takes a breath*
I just really needed to get that out of my head so if you read this far, thanks for listening.
*CLOSES THOSE TABS IN HER BRAIN*
I’m going to go make some blooming tea now and do some painting.