Mercury is in Gatorade again, that fucker, and you may scoff, but it’s doing my head in – especially with Moonchild being all “poke poke poke” in my tender places. My mama heart is a fucking disaster over some stuff that my kids are going through – three in crisis all at the same time – and I’ve been worried about a friend for a while now because they just kinda disappeared but we have been estranged for a decade so I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out until it became UNTENABLE to my nervous system not to. That was a trip that my nervous system did not thank me for, let me tell you, but it had to be done.
ANYWAY despite all of that, I kept a dinner date with a new friend yesterday. If you know me at all you know that this is a miracle because generally, if I’m even a tiny bit activated, I do not do social. I really wanted to, though, and Renee sat with me on Zoom for the hour before her arrival so I could ignore the rising panic, which worked beautifully.
This new friend has been floating around my periphery because we were introduced on the socials by a mutual friend. See, we both have adult kids with psychosis and when my life exploded in 2020 and I was taking refuge in a friend’s basement (because we had reached the “You are not my real mom, you are the robot mom and I think you poisoned the soup” chapter in our psychosis story so I got the fuck out of dodge), we were put in touch so she could help me figure out housing. I worked it all out in the end, and we remained FB friends, but no further contact was explored. Prolly because my life was a dumpster fire for a good long 2 years there and I had no bandwidth for anything other than liking and love hearting socials posts.
Anyway, she bought a painting of mine and since she doesn’t live but a hop skip and a jump away (in another city, but close enough for a day trip), she decided to save us both the postage, and shipping and handling, and use the occasion to finally get together in person.
It was instant friendship, y’all. We start yakking and I swear we did not stop the entire time. I adore her, and I’m soooo grateful I didn’t let my traumatized ass flake out like I usually do because at one point we were going over all the things, as moms who have this particular thing in common do, and she took my hand and gazed into my eyes and asked: “Who is supporting you with all this?”
So, listen. Here’s the deal. I am super grateful that I have people I *can* reach out to, and I rattled off the list and assured her I’m looked after, but…
I have to admit that I let myself get terribly whelmed before I reach out. I do tend to isolate when life is hard and I do tend to wait until it’s a FUCKING EMERGENCY before I let slip that I’m not doing so hot (often because I’m too numbed out to notice) and this new friend really brought that home to me by asking that question.
Yesterday I caught myself feeling whelmed, so I reached out. And today, I did more of the same. And while I still can’t shake the “MY LIFE IS SO FULL OF DRAMA AND I AM A BURDEN TO MY FRIENDS” thing that goes on in my brainmeats on the regular, I shook my fist at it, called it a lying liar, and got myself some eyes on and gentle witnessing despite it.
Anyway, the aforementioned disappeared friend popped up, so I can stop shitting myself with worry. We solved one of the kid crises by throwing money at it and helped to mitigate the potentially traumatic nature of the other two crises by being present, lending an ear, sharing relevant memes and TikToks and running around Azeroth killing things for a while while we listened to my 2022 playlist on Spotify.
Trauma isn’t what happened to you, you know. It’s whether or not you were left to handle it alone and without support and I do not let my kids handle things alone and without support if I can help it. (P.S. Fuck you, mom) I love that about me, and today everyone is doing okay, and so today is a better day despite the gatorade shenanigans and Moonchild pulling at all our heartstrings.
*Takes a breath*
I just really needed to get that out of my head so if you read this far, thanks for listening.
*CLOSES THOSE TABS IN HER BRAIN*
I’m going to go make some blooming tea now and do some painting.
<3 <3 <3
I just found you and I’m a true believer that everything happens for a reason! Your words, emotions felt as if you were writing my blog about myself if I had one!! The bit about our trauma and not letting your kids have the support …hoping by doing this myself will aide in the end of generational trauma’s…Life and traumas and relationships are so convoluted and layered, woven in and out of one another…just so fucking happy to have found you and all your unabashed realistic shared words!!! Your blog described me to a T. It’s funny because before life caught up and shit goes down I was the exact opposite of what your describing right? But, I couldn’t be alone in my thoughts or in the physical form, always having to disassociate, numbing myself, self medicating in way I could. The fun extrovert was just a mask this whole time…in the midst of a healing and spiritual journey the last 5 years intermixed with new traumas and griefs. Trying to manage and juggle all the activated days/nights from day to day can takes its toll. I delved into art 3 years ago. I get stuck, overwhelmed, and the inner critic rears her head frequently along with fear of failure and unworthiness. BUT, I still get up and make art even if it’s mostly ugly art because everything about it speaks to me! The colors, textures, the processing my subconscious is doing all aids in the journey. Thank you again for your openness and realness into your life . Caryn
I’m glad you have in real life friends. Something that is seriously lacking in mine.. I do have a really great therapist but she was sick yesterday and canceled our appt on the week before my surgery on monday. So it’s all la dee dah and farting rainbows over here in Mama J. land. I hope things keep going up and up for you and you have more wonderful painting sessions in your future. Those last two were seriously kick ass!! <3 <3 <3
Thank you, love. <3
Absolutely keep calling your brainmeats out for lying to you and reaching out, yes it’s bloody hard (mine tell me the same they’re also going to call me a hypocrite for what I’m about to write, easy to give advice but not take it, plus being neurospicy makes it hard for me writing what I mean so hopefully this will all make sense) but they fucking lie a lot about being a burden a bother etc, and it can be so hard to get our voices over the din of that feeling and word burden, but Effy YOU ARE NOT, yes you have deep deep trauma, yes bad things happen, yes really awful things happen, yes scary things happen and sometimes a whole load of hell happens all at once like has happened to you in this blog and it causes severe overwhelm and overload, and then the whole burden thing makes it’s ugly appearance to push you down further – but you can’t help that these things happen and absolutely no way is it drama – that’s your brainmeats trying to make it sound bad, and well done for pushing forward be proud of yourself for that and as much as you can try to keep going and keep reaching out.
Think about it this way with your kids and others you’d be and are the first in line to help someone else out, so your brain making out everyone else is worthy and you’re a burden mean it is blatantly lying!
You are a great mama and are doing amazing for your kids and yourself and don’t you ever doubt that, and if your brain meats start taking shit at you when things are tough and you’re super overwhelmed tell them (omg and mercury too) to fuck off they’re not going to keep being allowed to be the boss of you (I say that with love).
I get the whole “Do as I say not as I do thing” because SAME. <3 It is always so much easier to know what's good for someone we care about than it is to apply the same logic to our own struggles. Thank you for this. I appreciate you.
You are a WONDERFUL mom for being there! And everything beyond that is a huge bonus! I relate to your P.S. to your mom … however, I never refer to mine as anything other than “the creature who spawned me”. Back to my art project for today, yay!
“The Creature Who Spawned Me” works, too. <3
You are handling, head on and not skirting any issues. That itself is awesome.
Thank you for seeing me. <3
Wow what a fab share. Thank you for trusting us with your feels. I see you x
<3 <3 <3
Yay for being able to close the tabs
Yay for having you help me do that. <3
I love this and that you are meeting your needs and you are never a burden. 🖤
You are a fantastic mother, friend and all round human bean. The world could do with more people like you. Yay for you being able to reach out when you need to. I know how hard that is and personally I always just hide instead which I know is not the healthy thing to do. Always here to witness and support in any way possible.
Thank you for sharing and trusting us with your share. So proud of you being able to reach out ! Plus, the way you headed toward art making! YES! You have been making great strides and I see the slow blooming that is happening. Keep taking those steps and that beautiful flower that is your soul will open!
Thank you for sharing. <3 Thank you for being an example of walking in your truth even when that truth is a dumpster fire.