I.I turned up wanting to be elegant. A soft place to land. Sanctuary. I wanted to keep my questions to myself, to take what was offered, and ask for nothing more. I wanted to hold it lightly, to be easy as a summer’s breeze. I thought of him as a hummingbird. No one can possess such a thing. We just let them flit in and out, watch in awe as they sip the nectar we offer, and hold that jewelled moment in our heart’s forever. Right? We hope they’ll come again, but we don’t set our clocks by them. When they are here, we stop. We drink deeply alongside them. When they leave, we get on with our lives.
II. My past experiences with love have trained me up to expect very little. I had begun to think of myself as a kind of drive through, where my loves could pull in, fill up, and drive away again. I got filled up elsewhere. Through my friendships, or my spiritual practice. Through music or art or writing. I didn’t know it was possible for there to be anything like an equal exchange.
III. Having discovered that there is such a thing, and having experienced it for just a little over half a year now, I have become very possessive of it. I can’t imagine going back a life in which I allow myself to serve as fuel, as a prop, or as something that can be easily shelved, and taken down only when it suits someone else’s agenda. I can’t imagine being in a relationship in which I have no expectations. That seems like bullshit to me now. Like a raw deal. Like something I can’t believe I *ever* signed up for.
IV. When the former is all you’ve ever known, the latter comes in like a wildfire and burns down everything you thought you knew about love. It is impossible to be elegant in the midst of a wildfire. I have not been elegant or easy. I have been full on. I have grappled. I have asked all the questions. I have expressed what my needs are. I have asked for more.
V. He meets me there.
VI. For me, possession isn’t about ownership. It is about how he has taken up residence in me, how he pours himself into me so that there is no room for anymore of this kind of love. I used to think that the only way I’d ever get my needs met was if I had multiple partners willing to patchwork up some kind of solution to the problem of my too muchness. No, man. That was not the answer. The answer was finding someone who filled me up to capacity and then some, and now I know that exists. This means that non-monogamy – something I have wholeheartedly embraced and believed in my whole life – is no longer an option for me. The thought of sharing my body with someone else makes me cringe. The thought of redirecting any of what I feel toward anyone else just doesn’t work. I can’t.
VII. This doesn’t mean that I’m not sovereign in my own life. I am, absolutely. I can withdraw my devotion at any time. I have the right to change my mind. I just don’t see it happening, though, because my devotion is met with devotion. My love is met with love. My questions are met with answers. My needs are met with care.
When people approach me with interest, (have you noticed how when you are in love, you get more offers than ever before?) my response is pretty much “N’aw, honey. I’m good. All sorted. Thank you, though.”
VIII. His are the only hands I want on my body. His is the only mouth I want on my mouth.
IX. Something about how he invokes the best in me. Something about how his showing up sent me flying into an accelerated evolution, threw me into a healing crisis as though my whole body knew that this was it, and we had to do our work now, because we have living to do, and *waves at all of that back there* was in our fucking way. Something about wanting to show up as my whole self, because he deserves that, and I deserve to enjoy him as my whole self. Something about how he brings a warrior energy with him that makes me feel encircled in safety, makes me feel safe to be a woman. Something about how at home I feel in my own skin, how embodiment is easy with him. Something about how anchored I am in the moment when his eyes are on my face.
I. This little cherub is having a morning bottle while I have a coffee and check my email. I so appreciate this habit of his while he’s here. He wakes up pretty sunny, all grins and burbles hello, let’s me change him and give him a bottle, and settles back in for about an hour or so before he needs my full on attention. So sweet of him, don’t you agree?
We had a lovely time last night. He arrived, played for a bit, ate a big bowl of baby food, munched on some little star shaped broccoli, spinach, and puffed rice snacks, played lots more, and then went down at 8. My kid and I talked and watched GoT. Said kid wandered off at 11, and I woke the Bean up to change him and give him another bottle in the hopes that he would settle right back down and sleep through the night.
HE DID! Hallelujah! Woke me up at 6:30, all grins and chattering, but settled right back down with a dry bum and a bottle.
He’ll squawk at me shortly for a proper breakfast and some playtime before his parents pick him up at ten.
I’m really enjoying having him here.
II. I’ve got a bunch of things coming out soon that are collaborative in nature that require some intense attention this month, so I’ve had to bow out of my first fest of the year. I thought long and hard about it, because I really need a break, but I also really need to not overwhelm myself the way I did last year with too many fests and not enough forethought. I ended up so depleted in September that I got sick for, like, weeks. It was horrid. So this year, I’m going to be a little more mindful of what kind of energy I need and how much I can spend. Adulty, right?
III. Speaking of adulty, I went to the eye doctor on Sunday (Costco optometrist works weekends!) and discovered I have cataracts. Dammit. That’s just a little bit too adulty for me, yanno? From what I’m hearing, though, I could walk out of surgery with 20/20 vision, which would be AMAZING, so I’m not in a panic over it. I’m being referred to a specialist who will tell me what my options are. Long wait times, though. Maybe six months to a year before I actually get the surgeries done? We’ll see. There is an option to get it done privately (Lasix does it), and it would be done in no time at all, but it’s really expensive. Doing it through the healthcare system means it’s covered.
Things to think about.
IV. I get to see my love this weekend AND the weekend after. It amazes me how much knowing this (and counting sleeps) lifts my spirits. I mean, my spirits are actually pretty good right now, all things considered, but they are especially uplifted given that I can say THREE SLEEPS. *Bounce*
It is incredibly healing for me to have someone in my life who is as eager to see me as I am to see him. Zero ambivalence. All in. Swoonworthy.
V. I was thinking about him yesterday and painted this in response to my thoughts.
I like it so much that I’m filming another version of it for my Patreon & Effy365 peeps. Might release it in Wild & Free in a little bit, too, but I’m going to give my sweet coterie of devotees first dibs. Here’s a progress shot of the first layer.
VI. Speaking of Wild & Free, did you know about this? It’s a library of free resources I’ve put together for my peoples. That means YOU. Go get it.
VII. The Ever After Blog Hop is still on. I’ll be closing the contest to win a space on the 9th (that’s in two days!), and announcing the winner on the 10th. Go get it!
VIII. I’ve been invited to teach in this sweet offering from Shai Bearden (CEO of Wild Sister Magazine). I’m really excited about it because it combines my two loves – mental health related self-care and art journaling. I will be hosting a giveaway for a seat next week, but for now, dudes…$33 gets you SO MUCH STUFF including a lesson from me.
IX. This sweet cover of Maps because it makes me swoon.
X. I created this template for my Year of Rumi students, and I thought you might like it, too. Print it out and do whatever you like with it. We’re going to be making a sweet painting using the Rumi quote “Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”
The image started as a sketch in my sketchbook and then got imported and edited in Procreate on my iPad Pro. Best gift I’ve given myself in a long time, and I’m having so much fun with it. It’s also super useful for stuff like this!
Random.Org helped me select a random person from among 130 comments, and here’s the number that came up:
That means that JILL (firstname.lastname@example.org) has won a seat in Ever After 2019. YAY! KERMIT FLAILS! I will be emailing your details to Tamara today, Jill! CONGRATULATIONS!
The Contest is NOW CLOSED! Thanks for playing!
SO EXCITED!! :) Ever After 2019 is now open for registration AND we are running a blog hop and many give-aways to kick off this fun news! (Scroll down for blog hop and give away info!)
Please note: this is Ever After’s LAST YEAR! If you know you want it, please use the Early Bird Discount code to get 20% off!
Ever Afterbegan in 2016 and ran again (with totally new art lessons) in 2017 and 2018. It has a blend of magic (because FAERY TALES) as well as style development that is fantastic for beginners, intermediate, and advanced artists.
If you’re not ready for (or into) style development then you can just buy the ‘Ever After Fairytale Bundle’ offer on its own (without the style development element) which simply is an awesome mixed media art class with a fairytale theme taught by some of your most favourite artists and fabulous teachers in our beautiful mixed media community!
You can find out all the details (and sign up with the Early Bird price) by clicking here.
This year I’ll be working with the story: The Witches Of Eastwick. I know, I know – NOT A TRADITIONAL FAERY TALE – BUT it has all the elements of one, and I will go over those with you in class. I will also be switching things up a bit the way I do so that our heroines get a better deal. *Wink*
Even if you know for sure that you’re IN LIKE FLYNN you can join the GIVEAWAY! YAY!
Blog Hop & Give Away Information!
To celebrate the launch of EA2019 we’re running a super fun blog hop with all the teachers who can each give away 1 space on Ever After 2019! Want to win a space? Follow the blog hop along and make sure to follow the instructions on the teachers’ pages to get entered into the draws.
Here are 24 questions for Grown Ups, which I stole from Facebook.
1. What bill do you hate the most?
Any subscription I forget to cancel before they re-bill. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?
2. When was the last time you had a romantic dinner?
Saturday before last. Milestones. It was lovely.
3. What do you really want to be?
Shacked up with my beloved. At peace with my past. Bulletproof.
4. How far is your education?
Last official grade completed – 9 – but I am a self-taught polymath.
5. Why did you choose the shirt you have on?
It was clean.
6. Thoughts on gas prices right now?
I don’t drive, and I have no thoughts about gas prices except that I’m glad I don’t drive.
7. First thought when the alarm goes off?
I wake up naturally between 7 and 7:30 every morning. No alarm. First thought is usually “42” immediately followed by “COFFEE”.
8. Last thought you have before you go to bed?
“OMG IS THAT WHAT TIME IT IS?” and then “42”
9. Do you miss being a child?
Not even remotely. Besides my inner child is very on board with me in all the joyful and creative things I do.
10. What errand/chore do you despise most?
11. Up early or sleep in?
12. Found love yet?
You can’t lose what you are at your core. Also, yes.
13. Favorite meat?
Steak, rare, with a good sear.
14. What do you get every time at Wal-Mart?
I don’t do Wal-Mart anymore.
15. Beach or Lake?
Why can’t I have both?
16. Is Marriage overrated?
Yes. Commitment, on the other hand, is underrated.
17. Ever crashed a vehicle?
A bike, yes. Several times.
18. Strangest place you’ve brushed your teeth?
Frontier Ghost Town.
19. Name a place you’ve never been but want to go?
20. Do you have a go to person?
I have five.
21. Are you where you want to be in life right now?
I’m on the cusp of where I want to be in some areas, no where close to where I want to be in other areas, and exactly where I want to be in a few other areas.
22. Favorite cartoons?
Robin Hood, Finding Nemo, Loving Vincent, The Prophet
23. What do you think has changed about you since you are older?
I’m less likely to put up with your bullshit.
There, I blogged something! :)
And because this was cheesy and not really all that informative, here! Have a video!
I’m working in my Moleskine daily planner from 2017. The paper is super flimsy, but takes paint, gesso, and other mediums really well despite that. I found it while I was moving my studio from the big room to the little one and decided to pick up where I left off. I intend to use it for experiments, and quick little spreads that express exactly where I’m at in any given moment. I hope to play in it multiple times a week, if not daily. So far, I’ve played in it daily since May 1st.
I. I am feeling fairly quiet inside relative to last week and the week before. The sacral pain is easing a lot, so I know I’m healing up, and the ease with which my body is now moving means a more peaceful inner landscape. Thank the gods for small mercies.
II. I had myself all wound up in a tizzy yesterday over a few things – thought a thing that wasn’t actually due until the 4th was due yesterday, had some dread over what I knew would be a difficult conversation, had a desperate need for a nap, thanks to a craptacular sleep the night before but felt equally afraid of napping because napmares. I did nap, though, and dreamt about doing laundry, which was fairly neutral.
I’ll take doing dream laundry over wandering around lost without wallet or phone, crying and in pain, trying to get to my love, who has no idea where I am any day.
III. Got a kid coming over for dinner tonight. I’m going to make meatballs for and we’re going to play 10 000. Do you know this game? It is wicked fun. All you need are six dice and some paper and pens. We’ll probably take turns asking Alexa to play songs.
Stacey is busy preparing to vend at derby tomorrow, so he’s taking her place as my ‘post-therapy human contact’.
How lucky am I at all anyway? So lucky.
IV. This girl, man. So grateful to have her. She keeps me on my toes, but she is so full of mischief and simple joy.
This was her after being put in ‘time out’ for torturing the cat. Look at that face!
FYI, that stack of pillows there? My surface design. This is called ‘Head Space’ and you can find it and other designs by yours truly on Society6.
These pillows solve the problem of limited seating in my tiny apartment now that I’m having people over on a regular basis.
I want to do a design that matches the colour scheme in my living room, which is all black, soft grey and teal, but these are super fun and funky for now.
I am working with the idea of collaboration, and delegation, and letting people *help* with the things they can help with. We make vows together at new moon in Moonshine, and you’re just in time to join us since this lesson is going up today. Use coupon code missyou to get a juicy discount.
VIII. Chani Nicholas has been informing my work with the moon in its astrological signs as it waxes and wanes in our sky, and I couldn’t be more grateful. It has been just the deepening I’ve wanted. She also does these fantastic playlists for each sign that I gobble up like I’m starving and they’re a perfect musical buffet.
IX. He is the first thought every morning and the last thought every night. He is branch to my root, my perfect consort.
I was telling him yesterday about how much more useful I am to my people because of him, because where before he arrived on the scene, I was constantly trying to serve from a well I had to scramble to fill, he just fills it. There’s a new softness to me, a deeper, more intimate connection with my own heart space.
I’ve always been a heart-centred teacher, but the access he has given me to all of my parts by witnessing and loving them means I show up as more myself than ever before.
You’ve noticed, right? I know some of you have mentioned it. If you’ve been served by me lately in any way, you have him to thank.
X. And this, just because I used to wonder if this would ever happen for me, and it has.
So, last week, the website at Journal52 was hacked for the second time this year. I had successfully navigated the first hack, but realized that it was time to get some help with this web thing, because I genuinely don’t have time to deal with this kind of thing on the regular. The day of the hack saw me sitting frozen in terror in front of my computer, weeping in frustration as I tried to get the thing sorted.
If you are not playing along with Journal52, nothing whatsoever changes for you at all, except that you will get Journal52 along with Friday Five in the RSS roundup performed by my newsletter service. You can ignore it, or you can take a peek and see if it doesn’t inspire you to get into your studio and create something beautiful.
What this means for me!
I never, ever have to worry about getting hacked, DOS attacked, spammed into weeping submission, etc. etc. EVER AGAIN.
I have one website for my free offerings (Journal52, MiniMoley, my blog). One. One log in. One.
A steep increase in my web hosting costs to the tune of $780 a year up from $192 a year. This is on top of what I pay for my teaching platforms, newsletter service, video streaming service, and the eleventy bazillion dollars I pay for art supplies, office supplies, SD cards, upgrades to software and hardware, etc. etc.
It’s a bit ouchie, but it is also worth it for the peace of mind I have about web stuff as a result.
That being said, it would be so super grand of you to help out with this if you feel so inclined.
I have a tip jar set up for this purpose, which you can access here. I will be pointing you towards it on the regular, because I know many of you LOVE Journal52 as much as I do and want it to continue being a free offering with no strings attached.
I have also created ‘RSS to E-Mail Subscribe By Category’ options for you!
Since I will be posting about multiple projects here in this one space, I want to ensure that you can get only the posts you want in your RSS feed reader. Click below to select your preference, or simply remain subscribed to my newsletter to get it allllllll.