I wrote this for my patrons today and thought I’d share it here as well since it sums things up.
Things are kinda weird right now. I’ve had my first shot and then the gov walked back the vaccine they gave me so I have no idea what’s happening for my second shot. I’ve been having nightmares about possible side effects even though I *know* they’re very, very rare. The way the media/gov have been handling it has been anxiety-inducing to say the least.
I’m just tired. My friends and I are doing a lot of shrugging and eye-rolling in response to the question “How are you?”. We’re languishing. We’re anxious. We’re exhausted. The world seems like a hostile place filled with violence and stupidity.
But I keep reminding myself that this is very much like the last leg of a marathon. The vaccines are working. The numbers are going down. Things feel a bit apocalyptic but I have to believe that all that is coming to light is arising from the shadows to be healed and changed.
I’ve been listening to podcasts to keep myself company through this latest strict lockdown (which has now been extended to June 2). I talk to my furbabes. I Zoom with my witch adjacent & with artist friends who are all just as exhausted as I am. We are looking after one another tenderly, with great compassion for the experiences we are all having in the context of this larger experience. There is much to be thankful for.
But there is also much to ponder over, and there is much to grieve, and grief is *heavy work* and we are all feeling it.
Are you? How are you? Are you grappling? Have you found a way to rise above or are you barely treading water?
Wherever you are at, I want you to know I’m thinking of you. I’m always here, even when I’m quiet like I have been. I feel anchored to humans through my work and I am very blessed by and grateful for that.
It’s the last leg of this marathon. I know we’re going to cross the finish line. I don’t know what comes after, but I know we’re resilient.
Sending you love and a wish for ease and a lovely weekend.
Meanwhile, I’m working on this for A Year Of Mary. It’s going well but it will be late, which means you have time to join me on Patreon if you want to get this lesson in the next few days.
I. I had a very quiet weekend that included a run through Azeroth with two of my boys + my youngest boy’s girlfriend. It was super fun. They kept making fun of me because I’m a loremaster and I read everything and watch every cut scene and I don’t just blast my way through. I was holding them back, but hey. It’s a mama’s prerogative to go at her own old lady pace.
That’s me, Sidhemama, and yes, I am playing a Shadow Priest.
II. I also made some art just for me.
This shimmery dancing tree delights the ever loving fuck out of me.
III. I did a live with my witches and we talked frankly and vulnerably about sex and death – mostly about sex – and it was amazing to know that we have built this space where these discussions can happen without shame. I am a proud, proud mama witch. This painting went up as inspiration for what might want to happen as they approach the page for New Moon in Taurus.
IV. These furbabes are life. I can never get a good picture of them together since every time I acknowledge Salem’s presence, she loses her mind and goes full derp.
V. Today, we Journal Jam! I’ll see you at 2 p.m. EASTERN.
VI. I’m still working on the idea of a weekend retreat where we gather to make a jam deck (virtually of course). I’ll update you as soon as I know more. Get notified via my newsletter, which you can sign up for here.
VII. There is a rumour that we might have Harvestfest this year and I burst into tears when I heard it. I have missed my fest family so much.
Even if that doesn’t happen, though, there *will* be a gathering of at least some of my fest fam as we all get shots in arms. I cannot wait.
Meanwhile, I’ve got Kimi and she and I are going to hang out and watch The Stand tomorrow evening. Woot!
VIII. I rolled myself up into my blankets last night at 9 p.m., turned off everything except an audiobook, and truly rested until seven this morning. It was glorious, and I feel almost 100% myself again. The side effects from the jab are almost entirely gone except for the sore arm. That seems to be hanging on, but it’s a small price to pay for the sense of relief I feel.
IX. My house is trashed. I will probably do something about that this afternoon after the jam – some dishes at least. It’s just too easy to let it all slide right now, but I’m being gentle with myself about it.
X. I know this was all pretty random, but I needed a good “purse dump” since my brainmeats are churning with a lot of stuff right now and I wanted to clear it so I can get creative later on this afternoon.
Thanks for reading.
I. I had my vaccine yesterday morning and I’m happy to report that it hasn’t been any worse than any other jab I’ve ever gotten. My arm is super sore, and I am pretty tired, but that is better than OH I DUNNO DEAD so I’ll take it.
My second jab is scheduled for August 26th, but there was a suggestion that I might get it sooner depending on how many doses come in and what the uptake is.
I get the hesitancy people are experiencing because the rollouts were handled so horribly and it wasn’t made clear that the rare occurrence of blood clots are *really really rare*. Like, we get more adverse experiences with *aspirin* than we do with Astrazeneca. But, yo. I am GenX. I am fearless. As far as I’m concerned, the best shot is THE ONE I CAN GET IN MY ARM.
Anyway. I’m happy for the light at the end of the tunnel that shot one represents and I will happily roll up my sleeve for shot two.
#GenXZeneca FOR THE WIN.
II. I’m getting more and more curious about painting landscapes. This feels exciting. I’ll keep you posted.
III. I’m also getting more and more inspired to just simply draw. I’ve got my iPad all charged up. It feels somehow less precious to sketch in Procreate with my Apple pencil – makes practice something I can do anywhere, any time. No “wasted” paper. I just want to populate my paintings with more symbols than I can currently represent. It’s time to get over the whole “I can’t draw” story I keep telling myself. I can draw. Anyone can. I just *don’t* because my fear of failure has been holding me back. That’s enough of that, right?
IV. I got ghosted by The Viking, but I’m actually okay with it. The whole thing was a good experience for me because here’s the thing – every time he touched me, my whole body tightened up. I felt like I was bracing for something. The wrongness of the connection wasn’t registering with my brainmeats, but it was registering in my body, and that’s excellent data. Still. He can go die in a fire, because I offered him a second chance to approach me differently, and his response was to assert over and over again that I was super hot and he was so, so willing and available for whatever kind of sex I wanted as soon as I wanted it and then to ghost me after three dates with no action.
In the words of my witch adjacent, “Why men?”
V. More good data, though, is how contented I am to be on my own. I used to love sharing space with other people, but not so much anymore. Not unless I’m 100% comfortable in their presence. If I have to adapt to the presence of another being, I don’t want that being in my presence.
This might be the best gift this pandemic has given me. I’ve gone from experiencing aloneness and solitude as some kind of burden to fully and completely loving it and the sense of safety I experience within it.
Everything from here on out needs to happen on my terms or it isn’t happening.
Hermity girl is hermity.
VI. I still want a commune with all my people, though. It would be so lovely to have a wheel-like habitat where there’s a shared space in the center – like a lodge with a huge courtyard – where we share meals and fires and have parties and then have separate little tiny houses all arranged around it. I’d need two, though. One for living in and one for work, because I love the idea of having those spaces be separate from one another for once in my life.
VII. “I believe in kindness. Also in mischief.” – Mary Oliver
I’m going to work with that quote for the next “A Year Of Mary” painting, which will be offered as a full-length or speed painted tutorial on Patreon on May 15th.
VIII. My grandbean, Amelia, turns 1 today.
LOOK AT THIS ADORABLE LITTLE INUK BABY!!
She puts her parents through their paces, I can tell you. We’ve had to figure out how to lock the phone when we’re doing video chats because she will NOT let anyone else hold it for her when she’s chatting with me.
Here she is with her dad, my eldest son. LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL INUK BABY WITH HIS BABY! :)
Gah. I can’t wait to hold that little one in my arms.
IX. My youngest daughter is in iso because her roommate AND her boyfriend tested positive for COVID. Blessedly, no one in the household is seriously ill, but it has been stressful knowing that my baby girl is within sneezing distance of this awful virus. We’re checking in every day, playing Words with Friends, staying as calm as we can.
She lives in Alberta, which is as much of a dumpster fire as Ontario is, and her peoples are all considered “essential workers” so this felt a bit inevitable. I can’t wait until they all have shots in arms so we can all breathe a little easier.
She’s been baking a lot of bread and torturing me with pictures.
X. I’m okay, all things considered. There’s a lot that’s “wrong” but there’s also a lot that’s “right” and I’m leaning hard in that direction because that is what gets me through.
Thirty posts in thirty days!! YES!!
It’s been a real pleasure.
Month-end is also done and I can now collapsey heap for a day or two before starting the cycle all over again.
Look what I made throughout the month of April!
CLICK THUMBS TO SEE FULL-SIZED
What a beautifully creative month. I’m pretty stoked with myself!!
While the blog along is over, I intend to keep it up at least a few times a week, so I’ll see you around, eh?
Eternal gratitude to those who stopped by and kept me company here in my little portal of words and light.
The April Blog Along is over, but a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along” will continue blogging and sharing our blogs because we *love* it. Feel free to join us.
This is my wee little “I was a day behind but now I’m not” post.
I had a good & quiet day. There was rain on my skylight. I ate some sharkcoot, and it was delicious. I listened to more news than I should have, but I’m okay. When I weigh not knowing what’s going on with knowing too much about what’s going on, I realize that not knowing weighs more.
Early bed tonight, I think, since even though I napped today I am achy all over from the 12-hour lawn party. Next time, I’m going to alternate between sitting on a blanket on the ground, which I love, and sitting in a lawn chair, which I don’t love, but which will hopefully spare me from feeling like someone smashed my sit bones with a hammer. *lulz*
There. I am officially on post 29 of 30! We wrap up tomorrow, but the plan is that some of us are enjoying blogging so much that we’re going to continue. Not daily, but regularly. It’s lovely to have a wee community of bloggers to check in on with my morning coffee!
I’m planning to blog every day this month along with a crew of almost 300 other bloggers in my “Artfully Wild Blog Along“. If you’d like to join us, you are most welcome! Both bloggers and readers are invited to join in the fun! The only requirement is that you agree to comment on three blog posts for every blog post you share in our Facebook