Holding Out

I. I’m getting there with BOD stuff and that is lifting my spirits considerably.

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II. A thing I ordered before the breakup arrived in the mail yesterday (yes, it took that long). Two pendants – a wolf and a buffalo. I had ’42’ engraved in the buffalo. I’d meant to give the wolf pendant to 42, and keep the buffalo pendant for myself, but that’s not going to happen now.

I considered throwing them both in the trash, but after some thought, I decided to keep them. They are on a silver chain and hanging on my gargoyle, who has been tasked with watching over me while I sleep.

I came to a place of acceptance over the last couple of days. I won’t throw the good out. I won’t. I am starting to have lovely moments when I remember the good and instead of it searing me, it is making me wistful. Little smiles. All that was real.

I will not let that go.

What I will let go of, though, is being failed like that. I will let go of being lied to. I will let go of being handled. I will let go of anyone who can’t meet me where I am, who can’t sit with me as I am. I will let go of people who need to ‘fix me’ or ‘manage’ me. I will let go of being an option. I will let go of being inadequately partnered. I will let go of being shelved or kept simmering on someone’s back burner. I will let go of subtext. I will let go of mixed messages.

I know things got very hard and complicated, but I deserved to be stuck up for, fought for, chosen. I am worthy of that, so I am giving up anyone who triggers feelings of low worth within me.

If I feel like I don’t matter, if your actions don’t align with your promises, if you lie to me, if you neglect me, I do not fucking want you.

Onward.

III. This meme, because yes.

I am still holding out for a kilt & boot-wearing pagan or pagan friendly man who has done or is in the process of doing his own work. I am holding out for someone who makes me feel like I did when first we fell in love and the sight of you made me weak in my knees. I am holding out for someone whose masculine makes me feel feminine instead of maternal. I’m holding out for someone who knows how to thrown down. I am holding out for the same kind of corrective experiences – the experience of someone who was willing to be my rock, who took my side, who fostered trust, who made time. I am holding out for someone who makes it clear that I really fucking matter. I am holding out for someone whose words align with their actions. I am holding out for someone who understands that I need a secure attachment to someone who loves me as much as I need a therapist, and who gets that what I need from them is as important as what I need from my therapist. I am holding out for someone who will not give up when things get complicated or difficult because I am worth fighting for.

He will not need to save me, but he will know how to love me, and I know he’s on his way, because magicks. 

IV. May all be straight within me.

V. Day Five of my eleven day working, because #artwitch

VI. Election + COVID stress has me sipping vodka soda at noon, and I’m okay with that.

VII. My eyes are very, very tired from building graphics, so this will be all the screen time I do for the rest of the day. I’m spent, but satisfied with what I’ve done so far.

VIII. GIVEAWAY. Click to enter. 

IX. I suspect the number ’42’ will haunt me all my life, but I am getting used to it. My girlfriends and I are starting to find it funny. John Oliver said “Title 42” about fifty times the other night. My junk folder sat at ’42’ for hours one afternoon. I logged off of a live and the viewer count was ’42’. I look at my phone at 4:20 every fucking day.

I’m like, wtf Universe? And the universe is like – look, the best way to work through a trigger is exposure, and besides, it’s still the answer.

X. Que sera serin. What will be has been. 

 

 

This Is The Way Part Two

I. It’s freezing in here this morning so I bumped up the heat a bit, poured up a coffee, and crawled back into bed with my laptop. It’s a slow day today since I put the replay of yesterday’s Jam up already so there’s nothing to do but putter around with graphics for BOD2021, which I can definitely do from the cosy nest that is my divan.

II. The Jam was fabulous yesterday.

These lip up girls are life and I absolutely love teaching them.

This little birby is not fucking around. She has things to say, that’s for sure.

You can access Journal Jam replays under ‘files’ in The Wilderhood Facebook Group. Jam #6 includes instructions on making your own jam deck.

III. Facebook Memories are a bit of a double-edged sword right now. On the one hand, they validate *why* I’m grieving. There was so much good in *waves at all of that*. On the other hand, they validate why I’m grieving. The loss of all that good is a very real blow.

Butandalso

The good ebbed, and I have to remember that, too, so I don’t *just* focus on the good that was lost.

It’s time to stop wondering why. It’s time to stop looking for secret messages. It’s time to let the silence be all the closure I need. It’s time to accept that if he wanted me, he’d come for me. It’s time to acknowledge that this was over a long time ago. I was just the last to know.

It’s time to stop looking back.

This is the way. 

IV. Kimi, Alli, her lovely human, and I all got together in a socially distanced way around a fire on November 1st and it was everything I needed. It was snowy and blustery and really chilly, but we are hardcore so we bundled up and sucked it up and had a really good time.

This little fire bowl is probably the best purchase I’ve made in a very long time. We have it set up so there’s a shelter over our heads and a wind block on three sides so it really is quite cosy, but there’s enough distance between us all that we can feel safe.

Alli made chili and it was *amazing*. There’s something about eating a bowl of chili by a fire that feels absolutely medicinal and perfect.

V. I figured out why I was procrastinating on opening my programs, and it should come as no shock to you that once I understood the thing, I was able to light a fire under my own ass and start putting all of that stuff together and out there so I can pay my rent next year. Moonshine is open for registration! There are two version this year – the intensive, and the ‘lite’ version. Both are fab. Pick your poison. 

You can also get Moonshine 2021: The Cafe version over on Patreon along with the upcoming A Year Of Mary (Mary Oliver poems + mixed media art journaling).

VI. Pride. 

VII. I forgot that today was garbage day, though, so *ugh*

VIII. Road trip with Kimi today to go get scripts filled, but not ’till around 1 p.m. or so, so I have plenty of time to enjoy my coffee before I have to put on pants. The snow we got over the weekend has melted, and it’s going to be about 10 Celsius today (which is considered ‘nice enough’ in Canada in November), so it’s going to be a good day for a drive. We’re going to stop in on Sal for a porch visit as well, so I’m really looking forward to it, and to having a day out of the house and away from the socials.

IX. Election Day. All the anxiety. I know I’m Canadian, but all of *waves at all of that down there* impacts us here, too, so I’m feeling it, and wishing all of my loves in the U.S. all the lucks and a clear direction forward that serves humanity.

X. I’m doing an eleven day releasing spell in my art journal. I prepared the underpainting on Sunday and have been adding a pomegranate a day. It feels good. Concentrated effort. My energy as an offering. I will fix the shit that needs fixing *for me* because that is the clear direction I got over Samhain, and I am listening.

This is the way.

That doesn’t mean I won’t dance with it. That doesn’t mean I won’t have days when I’m not convinced. That doesn’t mean my resolve is nailed down. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to grapple.

But I’m trying.

And this is the way. 

 

 

 

Still.

From November 2, 2018

In Any Light (Prose)

 

The leaves outside my window are the most vivid golden yellow, and though the sky is grey and full of clouds, there’s this amber light coming in, and it makes me think of you.

 

I love you in the daytime when there’s light enough to see every line around your eyes, and every thought as occurs to you, and every expression, and every movement of your lips as you speak to me. I love you in this light, when you sit across from me, touching my arms, my calves, my thighs, when you sit here reaching for your coffee cup, lighting your cigarette, filling the room with such a powerful sense of your presence that I can feel it for days afterward.

 

I love you in your absence, too, when the light falls on the empty space you occupy when you’re here, like a spotlight on that space that waits, like I do, for your arrival.

 

I love you in the morning when I’m not quite ready to face the day. The way we wake together, and you reach for me, hold me against you like your life depends on it. The way I feel sometimes like my life depends on you holding me just that way.

 

I love you in the spare moments when I am finished one task and ready to move onto another – that I can just reach out with my words, and you’re there. That you give me your time like that. That you take mine when I offer it. That you let me be a part of your ordinary reality with tender, thoughtful tendrils that reach for me throughout the day. I feel you, always. The pluck, the gentle tension when longing strikes, and your body wants mine the way it does.

 

I wonder if you feel it when my body wants yours, but it doesn’t matter. I know that some part of you receives all of me, whether it registers or not.

 

I’m listening to music, and “A Case Of You” just came up in my rotation.

 

“I remember that time that you told me, you said

“Love is touching souls”

Surely you touched mine ’cause

Part of you pours out of me

In these lines from time to time”

 

Yeah. Like that, except you’re in all the lines, all the time.

 

You’re my favourite ink. The longing, sure, but also the certainty, the sense of being replete, the trust, the healing force you bear upon my childhood without even knowing you’re doing it, the way that reaches back through my very DNA and heals the wounds of my ancestors.

Twin flame. I don’t really believe in that stuff, you know. I think everything that happens is natural, organic, of the earth we inhabit, encoded in our bones.

 

But still. There’s something to it. Must be, because something is very different with me when I add you to the equation.

 

I believe myself to be whole without you. You aren’t a piece of the puzzle. We aren’t broken. We aren’t incomplete. But something happens when we touch souls, and though I’m ill-equipped to describe or define it, I know it makes me somehow more than I was before.

 

I’ve held this lantern up in the darkness for a long, long time, and sure, I held it up so I could see my own way, but I am grateful beyond measure that you caught sight of it in your own dark night, and found your way to me.

 

Thank you for arriving.

 

November 2, 2018

***

November 2, 2020. Yup. Still.

 

October 2020 In Review

Me, with the signature Effy head tilt and some lip.

Here we are in November, which means it’s time to review October.

Here’s how I approach these reviews:

In the realm of Earth: My body, health, energy levels; my business, work, service to my community; how well am I receiving? Am I feeling abundant? Growthful?

In the realm of Air: My mind. What am I feeding it? How are my anxiety levels (while for some, anxiety is a body thing, for me it is a mind thing)? What’s interesting to me? Exciting to me? What am I learning? Researching? What ideas or insights are coming up for me?

In the realm of Water: My heart. How am I feeling? How are my relationships going? What’s happening in my underbelly, my subconscious? What’s bubbling up? What dreams are coming into my conscious awareness? Are my waters calm or troubled? If they’re calm, is there troubling stuff going on underneath? If I’m feeling troubled, is it about stuff I can actually change or am I borrowing trouble from the past or future (regret/worry)?

In the realm of Fire: My empowerment, which includes all spiritual work/study, and my sexuality. What am I passionate about right now? What has me shaking with fury? With desire?

I grabbed the elemental icons off the Internet ages ago, and I have no idea who made them, but the rest of the format is my own. Feel free to use this system of review if you like. :)

Earth vectorIn The Realm Of Earth

Some of the lethargy I experienced in September has eased up, but I am definitely feeling the impact of less sunlight. I’ve been pretty good about taking vitamins and getting food into my face on a regularish basis. I’ve also started toting a half-gallon water bottle around with me all day and glugging from it regularly. I’m already noticing a difference in the number of dehydration headaches I’m getting.

I stopped microdosing after the third cycle, but I’ve had a bit regression in CPTSD symptoms over the last couple of weeks, so I’m considering doing another cycle or three at half the dose I was doing before. We’ll see how this week goes.

I recognized the reason I was so late in opening all my programs for 2021, and nipped that shit in the bud with a soft launch of Moonshine 2021. You can find out more about that here. It was a real push to get it out there, and I had to overcome some real resistance and even make a pinky swear with a dear friend to get it done, but I did, indeed get it done.

I bought a bunch of skincare stuff and, miraculously, I’m using it once in a while. That feels like progress.

Sleep is disturbed, but better than it was through September. I am being haunted nightly by dreams I would rather not be having, but I think that’s pretty much to be expected given all that’s been going on.

I’m skin hungry, but the purchase of floor-length cotton chemises (white, and so soft) has helped a little. Something about the routine of stripping down to skin and donning one of these luxurious garments feels like a caress of a sort.

 

Air vectorIn The Realm Of Air

I don’t have a whole lot of bandwidth in this arena. Most of my brainmeats are busy battling procrastination and anxiety. I did spend the better part of the month writing love notes for Darling Human, though, and I *actually got that done*, which feels like a minor miracle.

I’ve ducked out of most of the classes and projects I’ve been doing in an attempt to preserve enough mental energy for all I have to accomplish before year-end. I know I’ll get back to all of that when I can come up for air. (Hah! See what I did there?)

I’m listening to The Plains of Passage as my nightly audiobook indulgence. I am finding it repetitive, but that’s almost comforting since I have no fear of missing out when I’m drifting off to sleep while listening.

Thinking about: impossible dreams, obstacles in my way, executive function/dysfunction, Mary Oliver, and how much I’m looking forward to spending a year combining her poetry with mixed media art journaling.

Water vectorIn The Realm Of Water

It’s a dance. Some days are better than others, but most of them are cut through with some kind of saltwater moment.

I know healing is a process, but I am having trouble having patience with myself in this regard. There is no way I should be as heartbroken as I am, I tell myself. I should be over this by now, I tell myself.

All that is nonsense, though. It takes as long as it takes. I’m trying for self-forgiveness, working toward acceptance. Riding the waves most days. Treading water some days.

 

Fire vectorIn The Realm Of Fire

Libido is still dead, buried beneath all of my other concerns. Anything to do with that aspect of self is still too attached to *waves at the last two years* to feel good or even safe. My body wants affection, sure, but otherwise, it wants to be left alone.

Passionate about: painting pomegranates, lip up girls, Journal Jams (There’s one today at 12 p.m EST), fires at Kimi’s place (we had one last night, and it was so good). Also passionate (urgently) about continuing the work I’m doing in therapy since I know it’s getting me somewhere.

Grateful for:

Therapy. My work & the students who appreciate it. Journaling – both art and written. Those little snack packs of dried cranberries and nuts and cheddar that keep me alive some days. Fresh flowers. The bottle of Buffalo Energy scent I have from Beaux Magique. Twinkly lights. Spotify Playlists. Renee, Lee, Myrna, Kimi, Sal, Dani, Alli, Sera, Alex, for the way they’ve been showing up lately. The new double-walled stainless steel FIFTY OUNCE French Press that I gifted myself last month. Instacart. Holy Clothing (and those wonderful cotton chemises). My dogs. You. <3

October Art

Some Favourite Moments

 

But, I do have the magicks

I. The writing hasn’t been flowing as easily lately, mostly because I feel like a broken record, butandalso, I know that’s not true. The shifts may be tiny, but they’re happening. The dance may include a few steps back here and there, but mostly, the steps are steps forward.

II. Darling Human is ready. The entire freaking thing. All 387 pages of it. I’ll be putting up a sales page for it sometime this week. I intend to do regular email updates that invite users of the planner to participate in community challenges. That feels fun, and like a lovely way to stay connected throughout 2021. I have the feeling we’re going to need it. At least, I have the feeling *I’m* going to need it. That’s how most of my programs happen – I need something, so I create it. I’m kind of chuffed to know that’s true. P.S. Free sample of the planner here. 

III. I heard from my eldest son last night. He remembered a time when he needed a thing and asked me to witch something up for him. He’s never taken any of *waves at all of that* part of my life very seriously, but for some reason, last night, he felt the need to remind me that I *do* have the magicks.

I was feeling quite low when he pinged, so his message was timely and gratefully received.

It might not feel like it sometimes, but I *do* have the magicks. Just look at my empire. I built it up from nothing and now it pays my rent. And, look. This little empire of mine doesn’t keep me warm at night, and it doesn’t tilt my chin up with a finger for a kiss, and it doesn’t brush the hair out of my face, and it doesn’t tell me it loves the way the sun sparkles in my eyes, but it is mine, and it breaks no promises, and I can *count on it*, and I made it, and that’s not nothing.

IV. Samhain alone in my nest with the dogs is nice when it’s *my choice* but it wasn’t my choice so it was a bit tear-soaked. I did a ZOOM gathering with my art witches earlier in the day, which was really good. We did some noodling around Blue Moon and ancestors and petition magick and then we honoured our beloved dead with a round of odes. So moving. But after the live was over, I was struck with how disconnected I feel from all of my sources of strength and comfort. Unanchored. Cut adrift. An untwinned twin.

I stripped down to one of my white chemises and crawled into bed with the dogs for a nap. Woke up again at 8 p.m. and lit the candles and prayed the prayers. Poured up libations. Whispered to the powers about impossible wishes. Put out my moon water. Threw some food into my face. Crawled back into bed with the dogs. Watched The West Wing special on HBO Max. So nostalgic. So good. Not enough to fill the night, though.

V. I was hoping to lure my platonic life partner over after work, but as it turns out, he is sick – probably not COVID but we’re not taking any chances, so we can’t see one another until he tests negative. This *sucks so hard* y’all. He has been such a comfort to me since the breakup. He just shows up and lets me be exactly where I’m at. We talk a lot and quietly watch things a lot and having someone I can actually hug in my bubble has been huge in staving off the abyss. He is the Eliot to my Margo, so he’d best get better soon. Please send him all the cootie killing vibes, please.

VI. There was a moment last night when I was in the thick of it – missing my love, missing my kids, missing my fest fam, missing Lee and staring down the barrel of him being in self-iso for who knows how long, which means a lot more alone time than I can stand right now. I was really feeling *waves at all of this* – the personal, the collective – pressing down on me like the weight of a thousand oceans, and then I  snapped my fingers, and I said, out loud, ‘enough already.’ and just like that, it eased.

The relief was palpable.

I poured myself up a glass of chardonnay cut with fizzy water. I settled in and fired up The West Wing (the series this time – I’m ready for a rewatch) and actually enjoyed the rest of my night. Rolled myself up into my blankets around one in the morning and slept, dreamlessly, deeply, until six this morning. Woke up ready to take on the day.

VII. I’m glad it eased. It gets really heavy sometimes and I can slip into believing that I will never feel better, I will never stop grieving, I will never stop aching, and I scare myself when that happens, but like my kid reminded me. I do have the magicks. I will heal. It will get better. I will get through it, and I will not die alone.

So say we all. 

VIII. Thankfully, I have plans tonight – a fire in Kimi’s back yard. A releasing ceremony. Fireball, even. My spirit daughter will be picking me up after Art Winos and she plans to share her epic chilli with me. Also, Art Winos this afternoon, which goes a long way to helping me feel connected with my peeps.

I know we’re all getting screen fatigue but thank the gods for technology. Can you imagine getting through all of this without it? And, oh hey – if you’re all bubbled up with your partner and/or your kids and you are stretched thin because that is also a lot, I see you, too. I’m jealous, but I see you.

IX. This song on repeat because reasons.

X. Am I in your head half as often
as you’re on my mind?
If I don’t make sense,
please forgive me. I can’t sleep at night.