This is painted on a 9 x 12 wood cradleboard. It is making me ridiculously happy.
LOOK AT IT. MY GODS. THE GORGEOUSNESS!
And this post is in direct opposition to a thing I saw on Facebook a while back where someone was snidely remarking that it makes her super uncomfortable when other people love their own art, as if loving your own art is something you should never admit to.
Like, dude. What?
Image reads “Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.”
Loving my art and saying so is a huge marker of my recovery from narcissistic abuse syndrome. I can love my art. I can say I love my art. I am not afraid to be overheard saying I love my art. I am not waiting for someone to “neg” me – a term which means purposefully putting a person down in order to prop yourself up – a trick narcissists are adept at using. I am not compelled to use false modesty or the humblebrag to soften the blow of my brightness in the face of a super jealous narcissist who can’t stand to feel like I might have something going on for me that has nothing to do with them. I am safe from *waves at all of that*.
I love my art.
I want you to love your art or whatever else there is to love about yourself (so much, omg!).
This is my mission.
I just wanted to tell you.
I. I love the story of Adam’s first wife, Lilith, who was also formed of clay, like Adam and was created to be Adam’s equaL. Adam couldn’t handle it. Lilith was banished. Eve was formed of Adam’s bone.
I am a sister of clay, not of bone.
II. Pottery, to me, feels like a part of my lineage somehow, even though it is *not* coming naturally and even though I struggle with every part of the process. This experience requires me to have a sense of humour, to be willing to fail and fail and fail, and to celebrate my successes even when they come after many flops.
This is very, very good for me.
III. My experience with the teacher was quite different today, and I have silently forgiven him for having an off day while simultaneously congratulating myself because if this were the me of several years ago, I would have quit after the first class. I’m glad I didn’t.
IV. These are the pots I threw tonight.
Things started off really rough because I wasn’t really getting the “open and then widen” thing. Everything was too bottom-heavy and very wobbly. I tossed six failed pots in the discard bucket while whispering words of thanks that this stuff is recycled and nothing is wasted.
After I threw the first (very wobbly wabi sabi) pot that was worth cutting off the bat, I made the second one that looks like a bowl. Something clicked. Then I lost it again and made three lumps of discarded clay. Then I went for a little walk to clear my head and came back into to studio to sit and stare at my neighbour, who was making beautiful, consistent pots. Saw the way he opened and widened and decided to try it. Did a good pot. Did three failed pots (pulled too fast, didn’t open enough, sliced my clay open with a fingernail). Did two pots that made me ridiculously happy.
V. This is *really, really good for me*.
VI. I am a Sister of Clay.
VII. So, next week we learn to turn and trim, and the week after we do glazes. I’ve got ten pots made – all different shapes and sizes – but I’m super excited to see how they turn out. I’m betting a couple will explode because they are *very* bottom-heavy, but at least a few will survive.
VIII. I am thinking about taking the beginner’s class again just so I can get some practice in on the whole centering, opening, widening, and pulling thing. There is also a hand-building class coming up at the studio’s other location and I think I’ll take that as well. I want to make little paint pots and palettes. Wouldn’t that be sweet?
IX. Full Vine Moon in Pisces. What a lovely way to spend it.
Stopping at nine because it’s my favourite number.
I. I stepped away from the blog for a few days because I did a LOT of social and work and found myself completely out of bandwidth. And that’s ok! This is post 16/30 and puts me four posts behind. Also ok!
II. I did a Journal Jam today at 10 a.m. – something I am not accustomed to at all. I found myself a little quieter than usual because mornings are for silence and coffee and not peopling in my world. It was a good Jam though and I really enjoyed myself! You can watch the replay here.
III. We had to change the schedule for our jams since GG, who tracks the prompts, is now working full time and his shift starts at 1 p.m. We could have moved the jams to Friday, but that would mean he’s working for his mom on his day off, and that just didn’t work *for me*. I want him to have his days off be days off! So, 10 a.m. will be the new Jam time from here on out. I’ll get used to it. :)
IV. Pottery class today! I am chomping at the bit!
V. Meanwhile, my house is a disaster so I’m going to spend some time putting it right.
VI. I’m feeling the full moon big time. I will take my own advice today and seek water and stars.
VII. I think this is all I’ve got today and *that’s okay*.
Yesterday was a very full day that included laundry, which actually got folded, dishes, which actually got put away, and painting, the filming of which actually got edited and TWO social events, one of which kept me up until the wee hours having deep talks with a bestie.
Today included much nappage, putting up Journal52, and this fun with black gesso, glazes, and relief paste. Like so.
And that’s today because tomorrow includes a live session with my witches and another backyard social gathering, and while I’m excited and content I am also exhausted in advance. ;)
This is 15/30 posts in my September Blog Along which puts me only 2 posts behind. Woohoo!
I. This popped up in my FB feed and I laughed out loud because doesn’t this first Mondegreen just describe my life from October 2018 to August 2020? I do not think we had one sober encounter the entire time we were together. We were drunk the night we met in 2008. We were drunk when we finally decided to cross over into lovers in 2018. Drinking is a part of fest, yanno, so there was always Fireball on board. And Caesars. He loved his Caesars.
It was love though. It was. And we didn’t see one another for long stretches so when we did, we went into fest mode. And in between, there were all these lovely emails and text messages and phone calls.
It was love. Is love.
It’s just that I’ve just reached that tender place where I can laugh at myself for going so headlong in on someone who was never going to go headlong in on me.
Story of my life. AMIRITE?
II. Maybe not anymore.
III. Butandalso I am not really looking to go headlong in on someone for a good long time yet. I am *gasp* finally having some sex – only took a year after that breakup to break my celibate streak, but it is lovely, uncomplicated sex that won’t change my life. But I also know what it’s supposed to feel like – the way my body responds when I am deeply in love – and that’s what I’m going to hold out for in terms of going all in on someone.
IV. I never felt that way about anybody before. I wonder if I ever will again. I don’t mind if I don’t, though. Some things you only get to have once in a lifetime, and I’m old enough to know better than to go chasing dragons. I will absolutely love again. Already do to one degree or another. Just not *like that*. Not *that much*. Not that deeply.
And I still do. Always will.
IV. Butandalso I know I deserve much, much more and better than what was on offer. The circumstances were too difficult to navigate. It was too hard. Too complicated. Too fraught.
They say “all you need is love”, but you also need mutual respect and integrity and honesty and some kind of self-awareness and a shared mission. I’mma hold out for all that, and in the meantime, there is sex and affection and friendship.
V. I’ll take it.
VI. Having sex for the first time after a year was hilarious to me. It is *so not like riding a bike*. But. It broke the streak and it was immensely sweet and tender and funny and pleasurable and I am looking forward to doing it again soon.
VII. That’s enough about my sex life, eh? ;) But, seriously. I am also this amongst many other things.
Why yes, I am DTF.
VIII. I have so many fun plans for this month I can hardly believe it. Drinks with friends tonight, then Lee and Battlestar Galactica. Saturday, I have a backyard BBQ. Sunday, I have a gathering with like minded folks + Kimi. Monday, I have pottery class. I’m doing a late night walk to go make offerings to the faeries with my friend Rick at some point next week. There’s another outdoor gathering on the 22nd. I have a house party with friends on the 26th.
IX. Plans for my birthday weekend fell through (we’re doing it on the 18th instead), though, so I’m looking for something fun to do on the first weekend in October. Hit me up if you’ve got any ideas! I do have to teach a weekend retreat (details soon) during the day, but I’ll be free in the evenings.
X. And that’s 14/30 for the blog along. ALMOST CAUGHT UP!