I. I’m not feeling the hottest today because I went over the “microdose” line into a “minidose” of Golden Teacher during a moon in moonchild and got sideswiped by all my feels. All of them. All at once. Airy sat with me over text sending me songs for hours, and then GG had me hop on Discord where he played DJ. Airy joined us and they kept me anchored to the planet until midnight or so when I finally felt like I could face the insides of my eyeballs without shooting off into outer space.
Today is very mellow and sheepish as a result, so if you are expecting anything at all from me today, I am decidedly NOT your huckleberry.
II. I miss my daughter, who is not speaking to me for reasons she has not gone into. Adult children. Sheesh. Am I right? Thankfully, the other ones are kind and present and allow me to be human, so that takes some of the sting out of it, but not all of the sting, and I am, frankly, tired of feeling stung. I also miss my sister, my fest family, Anthony Bourdain, live music, and my muppet, who better come visit me when the border opens or I am going to have a fucking tantrum.
III. I ended a friendship a few weeks ago because it came up in therapy after a week of obsessing over why i was feeling the way I was feeling about it and as I was recounting what all had gone down with this person since very early on in the pandemic, I realized that I did not want her anywhere near me anymore. I didn’t want her having access to me or my emotions. I didn’t want her projections or her borderline “come here, go away” behaviour. I didn’t want to see her in my feed. I didn’t want her in my inbox. I didn’t want her *anywhere near me*.
My therapist was relieved to hear this because my therapist has *never* liked this person for me. Never. She has always gotten that look on her face when I’ve shared stories about how this person has responded to me, and even though she would never outright tell me what to do, she has made it abundantly clear that I deserve better in a friendship.
It took a year, but I finally listened.
I have a pretty good idea of why this person is not good for me but I also realized (and this is huge) that I didn’t *have* to understand why I wanted to end it. I just had to honour that feeling and get it done.
When you know you know, and I knew.
The INFJ door slam is a real thing, y’all.
IV. Kimi is off to New Brunswick for at least a week due to a family emergency and I miss her already.
V. Thank god for zooms with Renee and the art winos and the art witches.
VI. I am waiting on a massive burrito bowl with baked sweet potato. I don’t know what’s up with me but I’ve gone off meat for the most part. Once a week, maybe, I’ll have a little, but I want crisp salads and veggies of all kinds, and watermelon spears and cheese and pickles. Maybe it’s a new summer thing for me, or maybe that’s just what my body wants right now. Either way, I’m enjoying it.
VII. I get four witch box subscriptions delivered to me every month because I love having a bunch of things to pick and choose from to keep or gift. Also I deserve to have presents delivered to my door. Witch boxes are fun because they inspire me to think about my spiritual life, and also because I like witchy clutter. It’s a whole aesthetic for me to have witchy things hanging out on every available surface. I’m expecting to take delivery on one today, I think. I’m very excited.
VIII. I still miss 42, and I am not sure if that’s ever going to go away. It didn’t help that he kept showing up in my “suggested accounts to follow” on TikTok, where I spend a lot of my time. This morning, I blocked him so that won’t happen again, and that was a wise but painful decision. Why is the wise decision always the painful one?
Adulthood. Am I right? Sheesh.
Anyway, it’s definitely not as searingly painful as it once was, but I have so many unanswered questions. When did he know? How long did he lead me on for? What was he waiting for? Why did I feel like I was being cheated on? Lied to? What the fuck actually happened?
And fuck all that twin flame shit for keeping me in it for much longer than was good for me and fuck anyone who shills that shit because it is harmful garbage.
Anyway. That’s enough of that. It’s been almost a year, ffs. I know grief doesn’t have a timeline but I would like to have a day when I do not think about him. I would like to have a day that isn’t shot through with grief.
IX. Maybe I’m just the kind of person that needs to get under someone new before I can get over someone. I don’t like that possibility but if that’s the way it is, then that’s the way it is. Maybe what I need is to be swept off my feet and loved the way I deserve to be loved before I can heal. Or maybe I need to have a hot girl summer and throw my body and sensuality around like the world is ending. I dunno.
X. If I’m being honest, I’d like to be swept off my feet again, but for the last time. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that, but I think I’m heading in that direction. I have not been able to consider someone else without there being a terrible sense of wrongness about it because the only eyes I have wanted on my face are his. The only hands I have wanted on my body are his. The only voice I want to greet me in the morning is his.
Butandalso having all of that came with a lot of disappointment and mistrust, so, yanno.
Why does love always have to be so complicated and do we ever grow out of longing for it despite the way it always seems to knock us for a loop?
Therapy this coming Thursday after a break due to scheduling conflicts.
A spell for new moon in Moonchild
I. I do purse dumps like this whenever I have no idea how to reemerge from a long period of silence. It is just like dumping a purse out on the table so you can get rid of the old balls of Kleenex, the empty box of Altoids, the lipstick you no longer wear, the receipts you shoved in there when you were in a hurry. A purse dump lets you clear out the crumbs and detritus that you accumulate in day-to-day life. My brain is a lot like a purse. If I don’t dump it out now and then, I find it crammed full of crap I no longer need.
II. June was hard in my world. Lots of “anniversary” triggers had me crawling back to therapy with my tail tucked between my legs. The flight from my place of residence last year, the fact that my usual home fest was not happening AGAIN, missing people I love who I will most likely never see again – it was all a bit much for me so I hunkered down and did my own work. I was quiet in all my places but most especially here.
III. Therapy is helping and I am keeping my chin up. TikTok is also helping. Like, a lot. It is so much fun and I hope you’ll connect with me there. I’m @effywild.
IV. I’m feeling cute lately. I got my second jab last week, so maybe it’s the 5G glow, but whatever it is, I’ll take it. It’s nice to look in the mirror and see a self I enjoy looking at. Also, my hair has *never been this long* since I was, like, 9? So I’m starting to think about my hair as a thing I might style.
V. I am caught up with work and that feels amazing, but my house-elf has been super busy (as have I) so the house is trashed. I am thinking about doing something about that today. There is a massive pile of dishes to do and a lot of crap that just gets tossed on various surfaces because I’m doing everything I can to stay ahead of the work list.
It’s not too bad, though. Like, it’s not a depression nest so much as it is just a neglected due to extreme list slaying nest.
VI. I miss writing here, but I have to accept that when I’m very down as I was through the early part of this summer, I can’t bring myself to force it. So, I’m inconsistent. And that’s ok.
VII. I recently binged The Morning Show and The Wilds – both on Prime. Loved them both, and I’m looking forward to new seasons of both (whenever that happens).
VIII. I’ve had brunch out twice with girlfriends since July 1st, and that’s been grand. We are entering phase 3 of our opening on the 16th, and that is also hopeful and exciting! Hair cuts! Movies! Life! Let’s get after it!
IX. I took a nice long walk down by the river a couple of days ago and it was a balm on my soul. It’s been rainy and really chilly ever since, though, so I’ve not made it a habit yet. I want to, but I want to be warm and dry when taking in the sights and sounds of The Thames, not chilly and damp. There’s been so much rain lately, and while I love thunderstorms, it is kind of putting a cramp in my desire to get out into the world on foot and explore the city I moved to last year.
X. There. Back on the horse. Did you miss me? I missed you. xo
P.S. This is going up on Patreon on the 15th of this month. She’s called “The Ground Of Being Is A Mother”. I love her.
This is going up in Kaleidoscope 2021 in August.
This went up in Book Of Days on July 1st
So, yanno. Art is happening. Yay!
First of all, there’s still time to get in on the FREE KALEIDOSCOPE TASTER WEEK (and there’s a rumour it might be extended for a week!) so get on over here if you haven’t already!!
If you already know you want in, use coupon code COLOR2021 to get a discount!! You can pre-purchase here.
MEANWHILE!!!! I’m giving away a spot in the class, and all you have to do to get in on it is comment below! That’s it! I’ll be doing a drawing tomorrow for the winner!! WOO HOO!!!!
I wrote this for my patrons today and thought I’d share it here as well since it sums things up.
Things are kinda weird right now. I’ve had my first shot and then the gov walked back the vaccine they gave me so I have no idea what’s happening for my second shot. I’ve been having nightmares about possible side effects even though I *know* they’re very, very rare. The way the media/gov have been handling it has been anxiety-inducing to say the least.
I’m just tired. My friends and I are doing a lot of shrugging and eye-rolling in response to the question “How are you?”. We’re languishing. We’re anxious. We’re exhausted. The world seems like a hostile place filled with violence and stupidity.
But I keep reminding myself that this is very much like the last leg of a marathon. The vaccines are working. The numbers are going down. Things feel a bit apocalyptic but I have to believe that all that is coming to light is arising from the shadows to be healed and changed.
I’ve been listening to podcasts to keep myself company through this latest strict lockdown (which has now been extended to June 2). I talk to my furbabes. I Zoom with my witch adjacent & with artist friends who are all just as exhausted as I am. We are looking after one another tenderly, with great compassion for the experiences we are all having in the context of this larger experience. There is much to be thankful for.
But there is also much to ponder over, and there is much to grieve, and grief is *heavy work* and we are all feeling it.
Are you? How are you? Are you grappling? Have you found a way to rise above or are you barely treading water?
Wherever you are at, I want you to know I’m thinking of you. I’m always here, even when I’m quiet like I have been. I feel anchored to humans through my work and I am very blessed by and grateful for that.
It’s the last leg of this marathon. I know we’re going to cross the finish line. I don’t know what comes after, but I know we’re resilient.
Sending you love and a wish for ease and a lovely weekend.
Meanwhile, I’m working on this for A Year Of Mary. It’s going well but it will be late, which means you have time to join me on Patreon if you want to get this lesson in the next few days.
I. I had a very quiet weekend that included a run through Azeroth with two of my boys + my youngest boy’s girlfriend. It was super fun. They kept making fun of me because I’m a loremaster and I read everything and watch every cut scene and I don’t just blast my way through. I was holding them back, but hey. It’s a mama’s prerogative to go at her own old lady pace.
That’s me, Sidhemama, and yes, I am playing a Shadow Priest.
II. I also made some art just for me.
This shimmery dancing tree delights the ever loving fuck out of me.
III. I did a live with my witches and we talked frankly and vulnerably about sex and death – mostly about sex – and it was amazing to know that we have built this space where these discussions can happen without shame. I am a proud, proud mama witch. This painting went up as inspiration for what might want to happen as they approach the page for New Moon in Taurus.
IV. These furbabes are life. I can never get a good picture of them together since every time I acknowledge Salem’s presence, she loses her mind and goes full derp.
V. Today, we Journal Jam! I’ll see you at 2 p.m. EASTERN.
VI. I’m still working on the idea of a weekend retreat where we gather to make a jam deck (virtually of course). I’ll update you as soon as I know more. Get notified via my newsletter, which you can sign up for here.
VII. There is a rumour that we might have Harvestfest this year and I burst into tears when I heard it. I have missed my fest family so much.
Even if that doesn’t happen, though, there *will* be a gathering of at least some of my fest fam as we all get shots in arms. I cannot wait.
Meanwhile, I’ve got Kimi and she and I are going to hang out and watch The Stand tomorrow evening. Woot!
VIII. I rolled myself up into my blankets last night at 9 p.m., turned off everything except an audiobook, and truly rested until seven this morning. It was glorious, and I feel almost 100% myself again. The side effects from the jab are almost entirely gone except for the sore arm. That seems to be hanging on, but it’s a small price to pay for the sense of relief I feel.
IX. My house is trashed. I will probably do something about that this afternoon after the jam – some dishes at least. It’s just too easy to let it all slide right now, but I’m being gentle with myself about it.
X. I know this was all pretty random, but I needed a good “purse dump” since my brainmeats are churning with a lot of stuff right now and I wanted to clear it so I can get creative later on this afternoon.
Thanks for reading.